Why Do We Grieve the Loss of People, Places, and Things?

The simple answer is that we grieve because we loved. Love creates deep emotional bonds, and when those bonds are severed, we experience pain and sorrow. While this is a acceptable foundation for understanding grief, it only scratches the surface. To truly grasp why we grieve, it’s important to examine the underlying biological and psychological mechanisms that come into play when we experience loss.

Loss Aversion and Brain Chemistry

One of the concepts that can help us understand grief more deeply is the psychological phenomenon known as loss aversion. In a foundational financial study by Kahneman and Tversky (1979) their research, showed how our triggers to a loss can be as much as twice as powerful as our response to gains. Those working in the field of neuroscience, have expanded on this initial study demonstrating how the brain’s reward system responds differently to a loss then to a gain.

“Loss aversion refers to the brain’s tendency to react more strongly to losses than to equivalent gains.”[1] Perhaps you will recall a time when you misplaced your car keys. The last time I lost the key fob to my car, I spent days searching, looking everywhere, asking everyone in every place I had been if they had seen my keys. It was days that became weeks of agony with no reward. Then months later the keys magically reappeared.  I believe this is perhaps only the second or third time I have shared that moment of joy with anyone.

In other words, losing something or someone feels more significant and painful than the joy of gaining something new. This is not merely an emotional response but has been found to be rooted in our brain’s structure and function.

So, what’s going on inside our brains that causes us to worry more about losing than celebrate a gain. Science has revealed to us new understandings of the Neuroscience of Loss identifying the amygdala, as a small but crucial part of the brain associated with processing emotions, particularly fear and distress. Studies have described the amygdala as a having a significant role in how we process loss. When we lose something, we value—whether it’s a person, a place, or an object—the amygdala is activated, signaling danger or threat to our emotional well-being. This is why grief often feels overwhelming and all-consuming, as the brain interprets loss as a form of threat that requires emotional and psychological adaptation.

Grief, the Brain, and Mourning

Grief is not simply an emotional reaction; it involves complex processes within the brain. Studies have shown that during grief, “certain areas of the brain responsible for regulating emotions and memories, including the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus, are significantly affected.”[2]  These areas work together to help us process the emotional impact of the loss and integrate it into our ongoing narrative.

For instance, the prefrontal cortex helps us rationalize the loss and manage our emotional responses, while the hippocampus is involved in remembering the person or thing we’ve lost. When these areas of the brain are working together in healthy ways, we are able to move through the stages of grief more smoothly, eventually reaching what some have titled the stage of acceptance. However, disruptions in this process can lead to prolonged or complicated grief, where we become “stuck” in the mourning and lamenting  phase.

In a 2023 article on grief and the hijacked brain, Zivile Jankauskaite explains “[3]grief can become an unseen and underestimated disruptor, hindering our ability to make decisions, form strategies, and lead effectively.”  Kimberly Holland, she sites the work of psychologist Daniel Goleman from his 1995 book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.  Goleman noted  the emotional overreaction to stress in the brain as the amygdala hijacked brain.  “The amygdala hijack occurs when your amygdala responds to stress and disables your frontal lobes. That activates the fight-or-flight response and disables rational, reasoned responses. ”[4] In other words, the freeze, flight or fight region of the brain, the amygdala “hijacks” control of your brain and your responses.

Once again, allow me to share a personal story. Some years ago, I was involved in a minor auto accident in which while traveling at a high rate of speed the cars in front of me suddenly stopped. Reacting quickly but unfortunately not quick enough to brake lights, I was unable to bring my car to a full stop and ran into the back of the vehicle in front of me.  I recall pushing the airbag away from my face and seeing the damage to my car and the car in front of me. I made a call to my secretary informing her that I would be late for my appointment due to my accident.  It was only after she asked are you injured that I became aware of the burses on my faced caused by the airbag crushing my glasses upon my face. While correctly identifying my symptom as a momentary shock response, the deeper analysis of the situation points to my brain’s immediate physical reaction to the threat and danger of the event thus providing for my safety and security.

The Biological Drive to Attach

Human beings are biologically driven to form attachments, whether to people, places, or objects. These attachments are reinforced by the brain’s release of chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which create feelings of pleasure and bonding. When we lose these attachments, the brain is essentially deprived of these rewarding chemicals, creating a sense of emotional withdrawal similar to addiction.

This chemical aspect of attachment and loss also helps explain why we grieve even when we lose inanimate things, such as a house or a cherished object. It’s not just about the physical object itself, but the memories and emotional investment tied to it. The loss of the object, in turn, triggers the same loss-aversion mechanisms that would be triggered if we lost a person.

Deeper Psychological and Cultural Layers of Grief

While brain chemistry provides a framework for understanding the immediate emotional responses to loss, our grief is also shaped by psychological and cultural factors. In some cultures, grief and mourning are seen as a collective experience, where the community comes together to support the bereaved. In others, grief is a more private affair. These cultural attitudes can shape how we express and cope with grief, influencing whether it feels like a natural process or something to be hidden.

Additionally, the psychological concept of attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby, offers insights into how our early life experiences shape the way we deal with loss. According to attachment theory, our relationships in childhood with caregivers influence how we form attachments later in life. People who experienced secure attachments tend to cope better with loss, while those who had insecure attachments may struggle with more intense grief or difficulty moving on.

The Path Forward: Understanding and Healing

Grief is both a biological and emotional process that reflects the profound nature of our attachments. By understanding the role of brain chemistry and the deeper psychological forces at play, we can develop healthier approaches to mourning and healing. Awareness of the brain’s involvement in grief, such as the role of the amygdala in processing loss, can also help us develop therapeutic strategies to ease the burden of grief, whether through counseling, mindfulness practices, breathing exercises, yoga, playing music, going for a walk, exercise or community support.

By blending these scientific insights with an understanding of the emotional and cultural dimensions of grief, we can better navigate the profound experience of loss, develop strategies to support ourselves and have more compassion and understanding for others who are moving through the journey of their grief

[1] Pierson, P. (1994). Introduction: Conservatives and the welfare state. Cambridge University Press EBooks. https://doi.org/10.1017/cbo9780511805288.001

[2] How to Focus with ADHD | Charlie Health. https://www.charliehealth.com/post/how-to-focus-with-adhd

[3] The Subtle Saboteur: How Grief Can Hijack the Executive Mind, Jankauskait. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/subtle-saboteur-how-grief-can-hijack-executive-mind-jankauskaitė

[4] Amygdala Hijack: What It Is, Why It Happens & How to Make It Stop, Holland.https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/amygdala-hijack